By Michelle D’Avella
From Secret Survey
This time last year I found myself plastered to my mattress. The shine would shine in on my face, and I wished I lived in a basement. I didn’t want to be reminded that life was going on because for me it felt like it had stopped.
The arteries in my heart were thinning due to the stress, leaving my heart literally aching in my chest. My brain was releasing a whole lot of the stress hormone cortisol, and all my happy-and-in-love chemicals were hibernating.
I went from being someone who would devour an entire Chipotle burrito to feeling accomplished if I made it through a single piece of toast in a day. I started wearing an oversized sweater to hide the fact that my already slender figure was quickly turning into a boney silhouette.
My body was grieving a great loss, but so was my soul.
My greatest fear had come true, a fear that was deeply unconscious. In my pain I became very willing to uncover the truth I was hiding from. My pain was my biggest catalyst in understanding what was happening to me.
We all have core wounds. They are the deep fears we take on subconsciously at a young age. The reason these wounds occur isn’t as important as understanding what they actually are.
A common fear for many of us, myself included, is the fear of abandonment. When I looked into this even more deeply I discovered that I held a belief that I was unworthy of love. This belief kept me in fear of abandonment.
As it often happens, our greatest fears happen to us, sometimes repeatedly until we recognize the wound and work on healing ourselves.
If your heart is broken your body is hurting, and it’s important that you be really gentle with yourself. Nourish your body. Do some gentle yoga. Take a hot bath. Drink smoothies.
But don’t forget that your soul is grieving. There is a deep part of you that needs your support now. There is a part of you that needs you to recognize the truth and to give yourself all the love you deserve.
In my grief I became willing to face the truth. I saw parts of myself I thought were ugly and had rejected most of my life. I didn’t want to be someone who was afraid. I didn’t want to feel unworthy of love. That felt weak and ridiculous.
Only when I began to accept every aspect of myself, including the parts I had rejected, was I able to begin truly healing my heart.
When we decide to bypass this deep healing work we live from our core wounds. They are still there driving us. You may get some space as you go through another honeymoon phase in your next relationship. But inevitably your fears will be lurking, and at some point they will resurface.
Once you choose to sit with your pain instead of running from it you embark on a new journey. This is your healing journey. Healing is about love, but it’s also about pain. It’s about loving yourself even through the pain. It’s about accepting all of yourself, both the light and the dark.
As you begin to get curious about your feelings you start to uncover more. When you shut down your feelings because you’re afraid to see what’s there, you fall back into habituated patterns that keep you stuck.
As you choose to be courageous and face into your fear you will continue to have the choice to open or close. Choose to open. Choose to allow for yourself to be the complex human being that you are. Choose to love the parts of yourself that you’ve rejected. Choose to embrace the parts of yourself you’ve been ashamed of. Choose to embrace the fullness of your humanity.
As you do this, you will begin to change. You will become more whole. Your dark will transmute to light. You will truly begin to know yourself, and you’ll know what it means to love who you are completely.
Let me know what you think!