By Michael Fiore
From Language of Desire
YES, it’s possible to tell your man how to give you what you want, without fracturing his delicate male ego. Here’s how…
Let’s dig in with today’s question…
I’m 42, and newly divorced from my husband of 18 years…. before I met my husband I had a pretty healthy dating and sex life. I was confident, and not afraid to ask for what I wanted in bed.
That changed when I married Matt.
‘Missionary Matt’ was boring in bed. He was ‘conservative’ — and he thought women who sought sexual satisfaction were acting slutty.
Now that we’re divorced, I’ve started dating again. I met Jeff. We’re really into each other, but the sex is — lukewarm at best. I want to let loose; I want to show him that I know how to please him and how to please myself. But I’m worried he might be overwhelmed when I unleash. What if he thinks I’m too ‘intense’ or mistakes my passion for a need to control the encounter?
Jeff is 42, and I understand his penis doesn’t work ‘“on command’” like it probably did when he was 16. I don’t want him to feel inadequate for not being as horny or adventurous as me.
I find myself thinking about him all the time. He is an incredible man in so many ways, but I’m just not getting what I need from him sexually. Some of my girlfriends talk about having awesome, mind blowing sex, and reaching multiple orgasms in a single love-making session.
I want that for myself. God knows I deserve it. I’m afraid if I lay my cards on the table I’ll lose him forever. How can I get what I need in bed without emasculating his delicate male ego?
Michael, please help me.
Hi G-Money (Grace). Thank you for writing in and sharing your question. It sounds like your ex-husband is a douchebag. You’re better off without him.
I’ve got two pieces of incredibly good news for you. First, the past is the past, and you can leave it there without ever looking back. Which means your days of boring “Missionary Matt” sex are gone for good.
Second, it’s important you understand your lack of sexual satisfactions this isn’t your fault at all, and you’re not alone. In fact, I receive hundreds of letters every month from women just like you silently suffering through a less-than-amazing sex life.
It’s completely normal for a woman in her 40’s to want high- quality, passionate, intense and frequent sex. In fact, the old cliche that says men want sex more frequently than women do — is utter bullshit.
As a woman over 40, you’re in your sexual prime, and I’m going to tell you right now you have some amazing pleasure, connection, and sex coming your way, if you can learn how to communicate what you want in a way that a guy won’t take as criticism.Here’s another hunk of good news for you. It’s never too late to have amazing sex, and it’s possible to tell your new partner exactly what you want, without damaging his frail male ego. Just follow these 3 steps and he’ll be eager to do ANYTHING to arouse and satisfy you. In fact, if you go about this the right way, he’ll probably think it was his idea.
Step 1: Reignite The Dormant Sexual Fires Within You
Before you can tell a guy what you want, you have to find out what really works for you in the first place! You need to be completely relaxed and comfortable achieving climax on your own terms.
Yes, I’m talking about the ‘m’ word — masturbation. Over the years masturbation has gotten a bad rap, but the ability to satisfy our own sexual urges is truly one of Mother Nature’s little gifts (like sunshine. And ice cream. And Breaking Bad.). You should feel confident touching and looking at your body. This might seem a little scary at first if you haven’t done it in a while, or if you’ve never done it at all.
One thing you can do is touch yourself while looking in the mirror. First, just look at your face. Don’t even think about the rest of your body. You can do this with your clothes on or off. Focus on your face. The next time you masturbate, look at your naked torso. Understand Jeff wants YOU for a reason. You’re hot, sexy, and desirable. Look at that body!
Expose more of your body in each “session.” Get comfortable looking at your body… Thinking about what it will feel like to have Jeff inside you.
Take the time to explore and touch everywhere it feels right. Mentally recall some of the insanely pleasurable experiences you’ve had in the past. If you like to have sex with music playing in the background, then try a little music for this exercise too.
This may take some time and practice, but it will be worth it.
If you’re not comfortable touching your vagina, start with touching other areas of your body. Touch your face, touch your torso, then your breasts. How do you like to be touched? Does it feel good to lightly touch your breasts? Do you climax with clitoral stimulation, or do you prefer penetration? Maybe a combination works for you.
Get Clear on What You Want.
Write it down. Look at books, magazines, and even watch porn. Remember, porn isn’t your enemy. Porn can open the door to becoming more comfortable with your body, and figuring out what scenarios and positions you’re comfortable with trying.
Experiment with different techniques. Try letting out a breathy moan when something feels especially good. You’ll hear a lot of good examples of this kind of moan when you’re watching porn. If it helps, think of Marilyn Monroe singing“Happy Birthday, Mr. President.” Don’t forget to breathe. Doing this simple “Moaning exercise” on your own helps you relax sexually and achieve new levels of self-satisfaction. This exercise is all about YOU! (Though you can use this moaning technique later to make your man’s pants bulge with an overwhelming desire to devour every inch of your body.)
After several of these sessions, you should feel completely comfortable looking at and touching your body. You know exactly why Jeff wants to make love to you, don’t you?
Step 2: Take Control By Releasing Control and Make Him Feel Like An Absolute Stud
Once you feel sure about how to satisfy yourself, it’s time to take control. Now, your man doesn’t have to know you’re in control. In fact, he’ll think he’s the one in control. The best part? You can turn an average makeout session into full throttle love-making, and activate your man’s inner stud by simply using some Fill In The Blank Phrases and Trigger Words.
Here Are Some ‘Templates’ to Get You Started:
I love it when you (verb) your (complimentary adjective + body part) on my (adjective + body part). It makes me want to ___ .
Example: I love it when you put your strong hand on my ass. It makes me want to climb on top of you.
I need your ___ (preposition) ___ right now.
Example: I need your hot mouth on my nipple right now!
Do you want my ___ in your ____ ?
Example: Do you want my tits in your face?
Practice using some of these “fill in the blank” templates. Practice while you’re brushing your teeth, taking a shower, or practice while you’re masturbating. Practice until it feels natural.
When you’re making out with Jeff, start using some of these “Done For You” templates. Things will steam up FAST — He’ll reveal to you his most lustful fantasies and desires. Once you’ve uncovered his fantasies, you’ll know exactly how to satisfy and validate his carnal needs.
Now is also a great time to reveal the “Moaning Technique” you perfected in Step 1.
You could also try asking him some questions about his fantasies in other settings. How about at the breakfast table? “Do you want some cream in your coffee, hon? Hey, let’s talk about fantasies!”
Using ‘Trigger Words’ and Phrases Might Sound Like Hippy Hocus Pocus, But It’s Based on Psychology and Neuroscience. And It Works!
The male mind is hardwired to seek ego validation and accomplishment. You’re giving him both by using verbal cues, and fulfilling his sexual needs. When he hears you Moan with ecstasy and delight, you’re giving him an even greater sense of validation and accomplishment.
You’re showering his ego… Your moans, your words, and the sexual gratification… His neurons are shooting at rapid-fire, creating permanent associations and connections in his brain. From now on, when he thinks of ecstatic, primal sex, he is conditioned to think of YOU (and only you).
While you’re giving him what he needs, NOW is the time to tell him what YOU want, “When I’m done with you, there’s a few things I want you to do to me… I can’t wait for you to _(whatever you want)______ exactly how I like it.” Don’t hold back on details. He’ll want to know exactly how to please you when the time comes, and he’ll be listening!
Be sure to stay relaxed, touch yourself if you want, and enjoy the moment. Some guys feel threatened by a woman who touches herself. He could think, “Is she trying to tell me I don’t know how to get the job done? Have I been doing something wrong this whole time?” Counter this insecurity with simple positive reinforcement. Tell him, “Jeff, I love your big, bountiful cock,” or “I need your penis deep inside me.”
Here you can decide when to turn the tables to make it all about you. Do you want him to cum just once for now? Or multiple times? Because remember, he’s going to want to return the favor – tenfold.
Step 3: Sit Back and Let Your Man Take Care of The Next Step, Because He’ll Want to Fulfill YOUR Desires and Fantasies (The Ones You Just Told Him About…)
Tell him, “Jeff, do you remember what I told you? You know what I want, right?”
… And because you’ve just given him everything he wanted and fulfilled his needs, his brain is bathed in dopamine.
You’re about to get what you want — how you want it — judgment free. Because he satisfies you by fulfilling your fantasies and desires, his ego gets an additional boost of machismo accomplishment.
This might sound like a lot to take in… moaning techniques, dirty words and phrases, psychological triggers… But after trying these techniques a few times (or maybe once will do the trick), you’ll realize you’ve uncovered a new superpower.
— So that’s my advice for Grace, and for any woman who feels unsure about how to talk to her man about achieving sexual satisfaction.
Also, when check out this special video I made just for you, which goes into much more detail about the steps you can take to get what you want from your man, without bruising his ego. Keep your eyes peeled for the Bonuses, including:
Silent Seduction – Where you’ll discover how you can use almost every part of your body to flirt with and seduce your man – and keep him yearning for you.
Done For You Texts – Use simple, quick text messages to make his loins burn for you. Works great for keeping things spicy during long days and business trips.
Unstoppable Confidence – Here you’ll get “fly on the wall” insight into how men view confident women, why being emotionally “vulnerable” doesn’t make you weak, and more.
You’ll discover what hundreds of thousands of women have already learned: With the right steps it’s easy to communicate your wants and needs without hurting your man’s ego and risking your relationship.
And that’s it for today.
P.S. Here’s the link to the video again.
Go watch it!