By Claire Casey
Author of Language of Desire
“He might break up with me” is almost never a good reason for not dating, but it’s an especially bad idea for this particular reason…
“Dear Claire, currently my best friend is professing his love for me, but I don’t think I’m ready. He is an amazing guy, interested in my dreams, ready to wait and all but I don’t think I’m ready. I just got out of a relationship and I’m actually scared of it not working out again. And well, I’m not a slim lady, kinda plump, and he loves his ladies slim with flat tummies. I’ll admit I’m scared one day he’ll realize it’s not love and want out.” — Celeste
Hi, Celeste. Thanks for writing. I have a big word of love for you, beautiful woman:
NO ONE “realizes it’s not love” because their partner isn’t thin enough.
Don’t confuse the hard work of real love with an opinion about how someone looks. Most people who are serious about being in relationship with another human are in that relationship for much deeper reasons than body shape (or eye color, or musical ability, etc).
Sure, there are plenty of shallow people out there who make judgments about an ENTIRE HUMAN being based on surface characteristics (skin color is a good example) but most of us know that’s unhelpful. There’s a lot more to a person than what you can see.
HERE’s the kind of man you want to date…
The REAL power characteristics of the kind of man you want to be in relationship with are things like
- he makes you feel strong and good when you’re with him
- his words and actions match and you feel you can trust him
- he does things that make you feel loved
- he’s willing to work through difficult times/situations together
Celeste, you mentioned that your best friend loves you, is interested in your dreams, and is ready to wait.. for YOU!
Why not take another look at some of the things that make him your best friend and see if in fact, he might also make a good boyfriend?
ANYthing “might” happen.
Yes, he might break up with you. You might break up with him. I might plant tomatoes. My girlfriend might make me cupcakes. Chris Hemsworth might call me tomorrow.
Well, I don’t actually expect Chris Hemsworth to call me, but hey, he “might” want to ask about my garden. Or the cupcakes. 🙂
Don’t let the past hold you back.
You’re fresh out of a painful breakup. We all know what that’s like. But you said he was willing to wait! That’s pretty awesome. Why not let him?
Give yourself a time period to get over your breakup. Then get busy doing that healing and recovery work. And make no mistake, it IS work to heal those wounds. But it’s do-able!
End negative self-talk; instead, project an amazing future for yourself!
The way you talk to yourself reflects your deepest beliefs and self-value. If you find yourself saying…
“He might break up with me unless I’m thinner.”
Re-write your script! It will feel awkward at first, but eventually you’ll shift the pattern of negative self-talk into something healthier.
“I’m an amazing and beautiful woman; he’s lucky to have someone like me!”
The more you believe in and invest in YOU, the more likely your new scripts are to be predictive and true!