By Slade Shaw
Author of Why Men Pull Away
“I mean, if the relationship can’t survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?” – Nicholas Sparks
Megan, a client of mine, has always had trouble finding the right partner. Either one of two things happen, usually.
Half of the time, she’ll hit it off with someone and things seem fantastic in the beginning…
…only for him to slowly pull away and stop responding to her messages.
Either that, or Megan will end up with a guy for a good year or so.
But then he’ll eventually say he “needs space” or give the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech.
Naturally, this is a great source of frustration for her.
She asked me in despair after a particularly nasty breakup:
“Help me, I just don’t know what to do anymore…are men just plain crazy or am I doing it wrong?”
Cracking the man mystery
What followed was a series of long conversations over a few weeks to help Megan get through that tough time.
First off, I asked her to identify the common emotional and behavioural patterns she goes through every time she meets a guy.
I’m not blaming her for her bad luck, but it does help to do a little self-examination.
She needed to figure out this part and take responsibility for HER contribution to the relationship.
Like Megan, a lot of women find male behaviour baffling with all his mixed signals and what-not.
The thing is, what a guy does and doesn’t do are CLEAR indications of where he stands with you. But that’s a whole other topic we can deal with for another time.
My point now is that guys really aren’t that complicated when it comes to making him love you more.
There’s not much mystery to it, to be honest.
So aside from some soul-searching, I also gave Megan some important pointers to help her KEEP a great guy once she’s found him.
In other words, it’s all about self-awareness and doing your part in the relationship.
Of course your guy has to meet you HALFWAY, but at the same time you can take this opportunity to learn what you can do from your end.
To all the Megans out there, this one’s for you. Here are the 8 best ways to get your guy to love you like crazy and NEVER let you go:
#1: Be his friend AND lover
This one might seem a little worn-out for some, but it’s still an effective piece of advice you should follow.
Even if you’re intimate partners, he still needs to feel you’re good friends.
No matter how many years have passed, guys want that fun, playful connection with their partner.
Don’t forget to poke a little harmless fun at him and “bust his chops” every once in a while. Tease him a bit and send him silly messages throughout the day.
Remember, FRIENDSHIP is a VITAL pillar of your romantic relationship.
At the same time, part of being his friend also means keeping it REAL with him.
What I mean is that you shouldn’t have to be anyone else but yourself.
Otherwise, you’re not doing him any favors by being someone you THINK he wants you to be.
This means avoiding the “Yes Dear” syndrome wherein you agree to everything to avoid rocking the boat.
Accommodating his needs and wants ALL the time is like slowly turning the heat on a boiling pot.
Sooner or later, you’re going to boil over and it won’t be pretty.
So, you’ve got to be a TRUE friend to him in the sense that you can tell him straight up (tempered with tact and kindness) when something isn’t working for you.
Pretending to be ok when you’re not doesn’t serve anyone in your relationship.
#2: Respect is king (and queen)
Hot on the heels of the first tip I just talked about, being his friend and partner also means having the courage to put your foot down when needed.
Ever notice how young boys constantly push their limits with their mom and see what they can get away with?
It might playing with firecrackers or going on a shopping cart derby at the supermarket. In the same way, that same part of your guy will “test” you.
I’ve heard stories of men trying to get their girlfriend to come over at the drop of a hat while she’s in the middle of doing her own thing.
Or in some cases, flirt outrageously with other women or check them out in broad daylight while you’re with him.
If he disrespects you, you need to remind him (again, in a kind and gentle way) where the line is drawn and why he shouldn’t cross it.
Don’t be afraid to give him a little crap when the situation calls for it.
On the same note, you should also be willing to give that respect BACK – relationships go both ways.
Avoid trying to “put him in his place” in an emasculating way, especially when you’re out with your friends.
If you find yourself wanting to do this for some reason (e.g. something about him annoys you), you might want to explore your reasons behind these feelings.
#3: Don’t try to change him
This is a bit related to what I just said above because some women feel some deep-seated resentment over some aspect of their guy’s personality.
It could be anything from his taste in music to his core life values.
This is where a lot of snide comments and passive-aggressive criticism come from.
In a lot of couples, this type of negativity builds up from an unwillingness to compromise on their differences.
And I’m seeing a lot of exasperated women chipping away at their man with verbal attacks, be it in a subtle or direct way.
When I talk to them, I always ask pretty much the same thing: if you find it hard to ACCEPT those things, can you talk to him about it in a diplomatic way?
As far as principles and values go, no one can be a clone of someone else. So you’ll need to find a way around those obstacles instead of banging your head against them.
Blaming it all on him or trying to change your partner will make him shut down on you and dig in his heels.
That’s why a good start would to be to approach these difficult disagreements as a problem you can solve TOGETHER.
If he feels you’re on the same side, you can get past those differences one way or another.
It could ultimately mean agreeing to disagree, but that’s not a bad thing at all.
In fact, the oldest couples I know inevitably learn this skill at some point down the road.
#4: Keep the fires burning
You probably know where I going with this, but here goes…
This is hard for some women to accept, but I’ve seen many couples get rocked by infidelity on account of the guy losing interest…
…or because his needs weren’t met.
Obviously, both people in a relationship should give as good as they get, but I’ve noticed a lot of women have let the hot, sensual part of their relationship slide.
I’m not blaming them, either. People change over the months and years, and this happens when they take on responsibilities like a new job or being a new parent.
That said, you should STILL put your sex life on top of your priority list.
Both men and women enjoy a good romp between the sheets, but guys have more of an ingrained need to satisfy their physical desire with their partner.
This is because a man feels closest to his partner when their PHYSICAL bond is strong.
And I’m not saying this is the end-all, be all, but it is a basic foundation of a romantic relationship.
If you can keep him interested and make him feel wanted in this way, you’re sure to have him coming back to you and ignore other women.
#5: Take care of yourself
Another part of appealing to his primal side is by engaging him visually. I know that might sound shallow, but we’re not discounting the other aspects of your relationship here.
All I’m saying is that it doesn’t hurt to keep his motor running, if you know what I mean…
And it’s not always the “main event” behind closed doors. You can also keep him hot and bothered by choosing the right outfit that accentuates your curves.
Don’t shy to pick something that highlights your most flattering assets. While you’re at it, use perfumes and other feminine products (without going overboard) to catch his attention.
Also, engage in some form of exercise that suits your lifestyle. Whether it’s yoga, crossfit, jogging, hitting the gym or a combination of those, he’ll appreciate your efforts.
Men aren’t interested in marrying someone who looks like they stepped out of a Sports Illustrated cover.
In the end, they just want a woman who enjoys taking care of herself.
That’s nowhere near the same as looking like a Sports Illustrated model.
As long as your man knows you care enough to look your best, he’s already found a keeper as far as he’s concerned.
#6: He wants you to “get” him
One of the best things about the better part of this decade is that women have made their voices heard more than ever.
To be a truly progressive society, it’s important to understand a woman’s perspective and appreciate her struggles.
But in the wave of this awesome change, let’s not forget to offer guys the same level of understanding for the unique predicament they’re in.
Sad to say, but some groups of women I’ve come across take pleasure in putting guys down and make fun of the stuff they go through.
Thankfully, this doesn’t apply to all women but it is important to address this kind of mentality all the same.
One of men’s unspoken desires is for his partner to understand him on a DEEP level.
He wants to feel it’s safe for him to drop his guard around you and show a side of him no one else sees.
You already know most guys aren’t big on sharing their feelings because it’s perceived as a sign of weakness.
So when he’s at his most fragile, your guy wants you to accept him for who he is, flaws and all.
Going back to what I said about handling your differences, it’s a woman’s ACCEPTANCE that he craves the most.
To put in perspective, this is the antidote to criticism, nagging and shaming.
#7: Don’t be his warden
Yes, it’s true: many men feel imprisoned in their own relationships.
They don’t notice it at first.
But as the months and years go by, they slowly feel bits and pieces of their freedom taken away.
And it’s not that all women do this deliberately, because sometimes it comes from a place of fear or insecurity.
They’re afraid that some younger, “sexier” woman is going to woo their man and run off with him.
But you need to remember that the more you try to “lock down” the relationship (and by extension, your guy) the more he’ll feel like an inmate.
He doesn’t want to feel that like he’s planning a prison break every time he wants to go out on his own to blow off some steam.
There has to be some trust that allows him to do his own thing from time to time.
Even married guys with kids and a mortgage need to feel free every now and then to stay happy in a committed relationship.
(That’s assuming of course, his activities and interests are within reasonable boundaries and aren’t harming either of you.)
The funny thing about guys is that they’ll choose to stick to their woman if they HAVE the CHOICE to do so in the first place. A guy doesn’t respond well to commitment if it feels FORCED on him.
#8: Appreciate him
Men take pride in being able to take care of their loved ones, especially that special lady in their life.
This is connected to his protector instinct which drives him to provide and look out for his people.
It’s a tribal thing that goes way back in human history, and this still resonates in men today.
That’s why your guy needs to know if he’s doing a good job of being there for you. It’s a typical male hang-up and your validation means the WORLD to him.
Feel free to verbally compliment him when the moment’s right. If he does something that makes you happy, LET HIM KNOW.
He’ll love you all the more – and will want to KEEP doing those things.
Everything we’ve just talked about amounts to this simple fact: the more positive energy you invest in your relationship, the longer it will last.
And these tips you learned today will keep that spark alive and kicking.
No sane guy would dream of looking at another woman, let alone think of leaving a relationship that GOOD.
But maybe you sense your man is still pulling away even after you’ve been regularly applying these tips for some time.
Something else might be up…
In that case, it’s time to understand the REASONS behind this phenomenon – and what compels men to STAY.
I’ve discovered a way to pull a man back into your arms if you’ve grown apart over the months or years…
… or EVEN IF he’s on the brink of LEAVING…
…and all it takes is three “innocent” questions to REAWAKEN his love for you.
Check out this presentation now to learn more: