Expert Dating and Relationships
Advice for Men and Women

Why You’re Driving Men Away And What To Do About It

WhyYoureDrivingMenAwayAndWhatToDoAboutIt

At the most basic level, the single biggest complaint I get from my clients is that they’re not good enough for a relationship. None of them actually say it like that, but the things they tell me reflect the same perception:

“It’s hard to meet a quality guy when most of them are intimidated by my achievements.”

“How I can date a guy when I’m struggling to lose weight?”

“Finding great guys is hard. The good ones are priests, married or gay.”

(That last one is a classic!)

Remember what I said about making things happen? The statements above essentially go against doing that.

Women who complain along these lines are blaming their lackluster dating life on things that are happening around them. It’s not their fault the world is a crummy place, so why bother?

Yet, the women who ARE successful with men also have to deal with the same things. But somehow, they’re able to transcend these circumstances and attract the men they want!

It begs the questions: how do you stop with the excuses and actually do something about being more attractive to guys?

It’s often been said that the definition of insanity is doing the same exact thing over and over, and then expecting different results.

Well, a lot of women are afflicted with this sort of “craziness” because they’re unaware that they’ve developed destructive mental habits over time. Your inner voice is capable of feeding you any type of thought; many women have allowed themselves to be paralyzed by the self-defeating kind (just check out the statements at the start of this article!).

The worst thing about these thoughts is that they’re convincing themselves that they’re lacking or terribly flawed in some way. When you tell yourself, “I’m not an attractive woman”, it’s like playing fortune teller on your fortune.

This is why a negative attitude turns off men! Who would want to date a woman who constantly talks about her hang-ups and makes a guy zero in on her “flaws”?

Being too mindful of the things you don’t like about yourself (note: everybody has them!) is going to make you nervous because your mind is blowing it out of proportion.

If your attitude tells a guy, “I’m not attractive enough”, he’ll be obliged to agree with you!

What this all boils down to is the inability to be content with yourself. Some people have this tendency to put off being happy with who they are until they’ve hit some sort of milestone.

It usually goes like this:

“If X happens to me, then I’d be happy.”

“If only I was X, then I’d be happy.”

When it comes to dating, a woman might say:

“If only I had a great relationship, then I’d be happy.”

“If only I lost 10 pounds, then I’d be happy.”

But why wait for wait for something from the outside world to make you happy when can look within and know that YOU’RE FINE just as you are now?

John Kehoe, author of “Mind Power Into the 21st Century”, asserts that a person’s potential is only limited by the kind of thoughts they have.

More importantly, he says that successful thinking has to happen BEFORE making success a reality.

In one of his seminars, John asks the audience about wealth: “When are you going to think that you’re rich and successful? AFTER you become rich and successful?”

Being irresistible to men works the same way – it starts with your mindset. If you convince yourself that the outside world is out to keep you away from men, then all your thoughts and actions will MAKE this a reality.

You might tell me that this isn’t as easy as it sounds. Maybe, but it’s also far from impossible.

John recognizes the fact that it takes work to get your mind to feed your empowering thoughts. He sees the mind as a great trickster, showing us our worst insecurities and exaggerating them to ridiculous levels.

To stop your mind from going down the same path, John tells his readers to discipline their minds. It might sound weird to see your brain as a separate entity from yourself, but you’ve probably experienced this before and haven’t noticed it.

Think back to the last time you were upset or stressed out. At some point, you might have thought that you weren’t going to get out of that situation.

But looking back, it wasn’t as bad it seemed and your thoughts at the time weren’t an accurate reflection of what was really going on.

Thus, John advises people to exercise a habit of self-observation to keep themselves from polluting their perception with self-defeating thoughts. According to him, the simple act of being aware “will spur a desire to make changes within your consciousness and get it under control.”

To combat self-defeating thoughts, John suggests cutting them off. When you realize your mind is feeding you negative statements, don’t bother picking it apart or justifying why it’s wrong.

Simply weed it out from your brain and replace it with the exact opposite thought.

When you let in one kind of thought in your mind, a stream of similar thoughts will follow. For instance, if your car broke down on the way to the office, you might think, “Great, I’m never going to make it to work!”

Chances are, you’ll be thinking other things like, “My boss is going to kill me!” or “My whole day is ruined!”

Instead, substitute it with something like, “Well, this sucks. I guess I have to let them know I’ll be late, call towing service and get a cab.”

It may take time to get into a positive routine, but all habits take time to develop. You might find it weird to get used to seeing yourself as an irresistible woman who’s fine just the way she is (in spite of her perfectly human imperfections), but you’ll eventually learn to affirm yourself.

Remember: Low self-esteem ends when you stop pushing yourself towards perfection.

Having goals and making the most of your life is one thing, but the need to be flawless 100% of the time is another. Nothing is more attractive than being at peace with who you are – a relaxed vibe puts guys at ease and naturally attracts them!

21 Comment/s

21 Comments to 'Why You’re Driving Men Away And What To Do About It'

Bonnie

I have been reading your helpful messages for years.
I also have some of your 6 part mini courses. I met someone online 4 1/2 yrs ago….we live in different states..8 hrs away…we are still going strong. The most beneficial thing I could suggest for women is to have your own life, go to therapy if you need help, I did. Take your relationship one day at a time, talk, tex, webcam, visit (we do not see each other often, as we have both had health issues.) Have fun…smile…be honest.”.say what you mean without being mean” Always smile when he calls you, he can feel it!

josephine

thanks! and yes i totally agree… have experienced both ways and can say loving yourself ( with the flaws and imperfections) and having an inner smile makes all the difference. if not for the men then at least for yourself. i am a middleaged woman, tired and not in the best of shape after an operation, but somehow got connected with my inner self again, thankful for what is and immediately a smile appeared ~~it works contagious… the man i am with certainly responds to this too. so ladies, stop hurting yourself, start loving that what you already are,

Teresa

WOW! i would love to make a comment but i can’t finish as when i click read more it just reloads the same page!

Karma

The comments that you listed that women say don’t all come from the same source. Some of them come from lack of self-esteem (if you’re overweight and don’t feel attractive), but others come from simple frustration about the quality of the men out there. Having a great mindset is important, but it’s still not a guarantee.

Suzanne

I agree with everything you say. I keep getting guys on the dating sites where I have my profile who want to date me and they keep coming. I just enjoy men and enjoy their company.

I also agree that two opposing thoughts cannot take up space in your mind at the same time. Replace the thought for a better one if the one you are having is negative.

Guess I’m a happy and contented woman with a life that I love and value. I also realise that my happiness is my responsibility. Whether I have a man or not is not the most important thing. Being the most loving person I can be to those around me, including myself, is the most important thing.

Amelia

Quite content and happy with who I am although it has taken divorce, financial strain and a lot of soul searching to get there. Yes, men are intimidated by self assured, direct, independant women. That’s why I have chosen after 3 failed relationships that being single is best. Not worth going through a dozen jerks to find 1 good one. Find me a man who is independant, intelligent, CULTURED, testosterone under control, can cook and clean the bathroom, and does not sulk when I want my space. In fairy tales I suppose.

jep

All excellent advice for women. Living in the NOW….work on yourself and don’t expect too much from a man. Embrace the moment and enjoy your life and keep thinking those good thoughts. However, it may mean it is nature’s way of population control as many intelligent women will decide not to have children, as we don’t provide in this culture of “men gone wild”, a village to help raise the children that are left fatherless while men continue to HUNT because it is in their “genetic code”. This explained by mostly male scientists from a male perspective. Very primative thinking I’d say.

Marsha

Mirabelle, great advice. There are plenty of successful relationships around me, and you know what — you are right! These women faced the same obstacles I did. “Stinking thinking” doesn’t help. Right on!

Allen

This is so great.

You know i read the article: ” is insecurity just a part of life?” has changed me for the rest of my life. I feel a lightness I had never exprienced in my life before. In the past i would feel strong, safe, happy and secure for a few days or hours then another thing would come on my mind and blow me off into another fear.So actually it seemed that even the days i felf safe, it was not naturally because what I realise is that there were always other underlying fears, that were just waiting to come up and lived my life like this.

Now; I am a new person, and just as you put it, all people around me have began to fall on themselves to be part of a new Allen. And you know what, there were some people in my life who knew i was better than what I was but for one reason or another had not helped me come out of insecurity. May be they did not know what my problem was or could not know how to address me to clear the plague out.But ofcourse there are people i was telling too much about me so that to give me assurance and “advise” whenever i faced challenges…..these people are somehow bitter with me, little did i know they have been enjoying having power over me and seeing me cry over issues, they call me with rude questions asking about the A and the B of my life as i have stopped to volunteer this information and handling issues myself with my new found power from within.

The things I used to fear and punic about and to wait for so and so to help me I now dont see them. What I now know is that things are possible and as a result I feel so great from within. I was about to suffer heart problem because of living in fear and anxiety and having sleepless nights but now all this is all gone.

This article just like the one on insecurity have been a treatment for me from a plague that has disturbed me since childhood.

Be blessed
Allen

marie

The above is so true, I learn’t the hard way, I criticised myself throughout life and the relationships I have had. I tried to please my partners and lost myself. Gave away the love that I should have had for myself to others but thankfully since been on my own the last two and a half years (through choice)I have learn’t to love myself for the first time and feel stronger and content. Thinking positive has brought so much to my life and I’m happier than I’ve been for a very long time. I know now if you don’t love yourself how do you expect someone else to love you

karm

well i don’t have problems with low selfesteem, contrary I have huge selfesteem, I’m very confident and man are running from me. I think they’re scared..

eliana

I have been on more than a dozen blind dates in less than a year, and have never been called back for a second one. Although I thought the guy(s) knew what I looked like from photos, it finally occurred to me that it’s because I’m ugly in person. So, the bottom line is that I’m unattractive now that I’m older.

So, ultimately, I have learned that relationships and the proverbial “American Dream” are really only about a few things with men: aside from the simple requirement that you have to be someone they’re willing to look at in bed, it really has nothing to do with you as a person, it’s only about timing. Only when their own “clock” kicks in, men have a few needs to fulfill, and not necessarily in this order: pursue, provide, protect, procreate, and philander.

Tammy Jackson

I understand what you are telling women to do. Stay positive. I was very positive after my divorce almost five years ago, but after a few relationships that did not work out, I have developed low self esteem over finding someone. I had high hopes and thought that it would not be a problem. But it is a problem. I have found it impossible to even be in a relationship. I am on match. com and have met five guys for one time each since April of this year. I select the profiles that I think would be the best and typically meet the guys at at restaurant or other public place. I have not had anyone ask me out in person. As you can understand I am not sure what the problem is.

phine6

A gr8t blog. So true. I like what u wrote, it was definitely food for thought, i have been down on myself just as u say here and i guess guys pick up on it??

MeetYourSweet

I appreciate all your feedback and totally agree with you that you should always be positive in dealing with the things life sends your way. If you’ve had difficulties and disappointments before, use them to empower yourself. Learn from the experience and move on! You have to stop wishing for things to turn out differently; every situation is a learning experience and every twist and turn is an opportunity to make a difference. You can attract the man you like, the man that is right for you. With the right attitude, you can make it happen!

Charlotte

I agree with positive thinking as we are all connected on that spiritual level and some of us are more attuned than others to sensing and feeling what is being projected either positively or negative. therefore it is wisest to put on our best shoes and face our fears at any given time and change our thoughts it is a required discipline. I also know and have found that we attract our mirror image potentially to teach us about who we are on a soul level, and this can be endearing and joyful very empowering , but also confronting as this is the time when our childhood wounds can surface and also past life patterns can be triggered too. My question is how do we resolve our past life negative experiences that can still play parts in this life?

Charon

Well, I’ve done the ‘pep talk’ to myself daily, got involved with the community. Been real neighborly – showing that I have not a care…. and still no doors are opened. I do think that I have a problem with comparing to my old boyfriend. He was toxic… (as I learned after we broke up) but I still find myself comparing him to someone I see on the street and think about striking up a conversation. Or if I see a couple ride by on the motorcycle, I compare myself with that woman on the back and think ” I’m better looking / have a better body that she does… why can’t I get one ??? It’s a long hard road. I’m hoping there’s light at the end ?

grace

I really enjoy and appreciate your blogs. This one was really for me. You give me new courage. Thank you so much and God Bless You.

Michael Comfort

Thanks Mirabelle for the eye-opening Newsletter. It’s a great one indeed!

Stefanie

I agree but sometimes you know you could have done better or put in more effort or you could have been stronger or resisted and because you haven’t you feel not that great about yourself. E.g. if you managed to reach a goal, e.g. to give up chocolate or alcohol or another habit for a certain amount of time or if you have managed to lose some weight you feel better about yourself and that makes you more attractive.


I agree with Eliana 100% When I was much younger, I was thin and extremely positive about myself. It was the people closest to me that were not positive about relationships. I have Cerebral Palsy. They were to controlling. They said I would always get hurt. It was basically pretty much everything I’ve set a goal for in life, education, employment, etc. When I think about all the things I accomplished and wanted-to the latter was the fullest every single time. To this day, I can think of only 3 things that truly made me happy! Most of my happiness has not been my own. It belonged to other people. Nowadays, 1 of those happy things won’t even igknowledge I exist. There may be several reasons why.. I wasn’t born yesterday- I’m 52. There is always an obstacle or obstacles getting in the way- no matter what subject in life comes up for me!!!

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