Have you ever wondered if you should settle for a guy you’re just not 100% into?
You’re dating a guy who’s funny, smart, reasonably good-looking and is always extremely kind and generous to you.
He’s great with your friends and he thinks you’re the most amazing woman to ever have walked this earth.
The problem? You’re just not quite ‘feeling it’.
You like him… but it’s not really love. You enjoy his company… but there are no sparks flying.
You want to be in a relationship… but you’re not sure he’s the right guy.
So what do you do? Dump him and wait for Mr Perfect to come along or commit and try to make the best of what you have?
A while ago Mirabelle asked readers whether a woman should ever settle for less when choosing a life-partner, and this led to a WHOOOLE lot of debate.
So today I thought I’d shed some more light on each side of the debate, and share my own thoughts on the topic as well. And of course, we would love to hear what YOU think at the end!
The case for waiting for your ‘soulmate’:
You should not commit to anyone less than your soulmate. Although infatuation may not last, it is a key foundation from which deeper love and commitment can grow. Without this base, a relationship with remain shallow and unfulfilling.
If you commit to a man you don’t feel very passionate about, you may always be looking elsewhere. And if you do settle, there is a chance that you could meet ‘The One’ a few years down the track… making for a horrible, awkward and PAINFUL situation.
Forever is a long time to be spending with someone you’re not really that into. You may end up plagued with self-doubts and jealous of couples who DO have ‘the spark’. And you don’t want to look back on life with any regrets.
In addition, if you go into a serious relationship or marriage without really loving the other person, everything they do is going to annoy you more and there will be less keeping you together when times are tough.
On the other hand, BELIEVING in your love from the start will help you to stay committed.
As a final note, it’s not fair on the guy you’re with if he’s madly in love with you while you’re only feeling lukewarm. He may always be plagued by a sense that you don’t love him completely – leaving BOTH of you feeling empty inside.
The case for settling for ‘Mr Good Enough’:
Okay, switching to the other side now. First of all, is Mr ‘Perfect’ even real? And if so, how long is he going to take to get here?
Waiting around for years for your ‘soulmate’ while you pass up man after man that could have made a loving husband and father could leave you single and alone as your child-bearing years draw to an end.
And who wants to end up alone?
If you keep passing up on the ‘pretty good’ options you may never find someone better later – so when you feel you’re at the right stage in life to be settling down and starting a family, you should nab the best prospect and tie him down.
In relation to this, Mirabelle previously went over how Lori Gottlieb, author of “Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” argues that when it comes to marriage, women should prioritize a man’s inner qualities before love.
Gottlieb’s argument goes that as long as a man has all of the important qualities we are looking for, such as kindness, honesty and loyalty, this is all we need to have a successful marriage – even if feelings of passion and being ‘in love’ are absent.
And it’s true that when you marry, you want to know that you will be compatible with your husband in the long run – these inner qualities ARE important.
But is that ENOUGH? To have a nice, dependable man, even if he’s not your Prince Charming? Could you GROW to love him more?
This side of the fence would say YES; comfort and security are the things that will make a marriage last, over the attraction and desire which will only decline anyway.
Okay, I’ve laid out the two sides of the debate. And as you can see, there are pros and cons to each – and you’ve got to decide on best the decision for you if you are ever faced with this dilemma.
But I gotta tell you, I’m with Mirabelle on this one. When it comes to committing to a serious relationship or marriage, you only want to be doing that with a guy you truly love.
Believe me. I’ve had my share of dates, and I never lasted more than two with a guy that was clearly a LOT more into me than I was into him.
I often gave it another chance after the first date to be sure, but figured that if I still wasn’t feeling it on the second then there was no point in trying to force it.
I have also seen a few friends in the same situation – take this example:
A good friend of mine, Renee*, was being pursued by a guy I knew called Tyler* for about six months.
*Names have been changed for privacy purposes.
In a lot of ways, they seemed like they’d be really good for each other. They were both good-looking, very social, enjoyed the outdoors and had degrees under their belts.
The problem was that Renee didn’t feel much sexual chemistry between herself and Tyler – especially compared to what she had felt with her ex.
But eventually, tired of being single and not having met anyone better, Renee decided to ‘settle’ for him. She hoped that their chemistry would grow over time.
What happened next was painful to watch.
For two long years, Renee stayed committed to Tyler, while growing less and less interested in him. Over that time, gained almost all of the power in the relationship, to the point where she was basically ordering Tyler around.
And let me be clear here – Renee is a lovely person. She would never mean to hurt anybody – but her lack of passion and affection was sucking all the energy out of her relationship.
And poor Tyler was turning more and more into a hopeless puppy-dog, completely in love but with no knowledge of how to win Renee over.
He frequently endured being turned down when trying to initiate sex with Renee, and having his ego smashed to a pulp in the process.
Eventually, Renee realized that her feelings for Tyler hadn’t changed, neither were they ever likely to. So while regretting causing him pain, she did what was best and broke up with him.
Renee vowed to never settle again for someone she was not 100% sure about, as all it did was cause heartbreak and turn her into a person she didn’t want to be.
Luckily, Renee and Tyler are both now in relationships with people they are truly in love with, and are both a lot happier as a result.
So through experiences such as Renee’s and my own, I’ve drawn the conclusion that it is better to wait for that guy who DOES make your heart start beating wildly in his presence.
The guy who has all of the core qualities you are looking for, as well as that INTENSE sexual attraction. He doesn’t need to be perfect, but he does have to be perfect to you.
Okay, I’ve said my bit… and now it’s time for you to say yours.
What do YOU think about the Mr Perfect versus Mr Good Enough debate? Are you with someone who started off as ‘Mr Good Enough’?
Please share below, I can’t wait to hear what everyone thinks!