Expert Dating and Relationships
Advice for Men and Women

6 Things To Remember When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough

6ThingsToRemembersFeelingNotGoodEnough

Do you find yourself in the trap of constantly comparing yourself to other people and feeling like you don’t measure up?

Many women struggle with insecurity and low self-esteem over their lives. In fact, I have had many battles with my own self-image in the past.

Feeling like you’re not good enough is the number ONE thing which holds a lot of amazing women back from attracting the men they desire.

Where does this insecurity come from?

A lot of our internal struggles are based on the pressure to live up to cultural ideals.

For instance, we feel as if there is something ‘wrong’ with us if we’re still single by a certain age, don’t have a certain income, don’t have a countless number of friends, or don’t have cellulite-free thighs (is this even possible??).

When we feel that we aren’t measuring up, we let our inner critic take over and forget all of our positive attributes in the process.

With our self-esteem in shreds, we may avoid meeting men or end promising relationships with great guys – all to avoid the possibility of rejection.

Basically, we put up walls around ourselves which keep people out, even when we desperately need to let them in.

No matter how unlovable you may sometimes feel, you NEED love and you DESERVE to be loved.

But before you can start attracting great guys who will treat you like the special person you are, you need to start loving yourself.

So to begin this journey, here are 6 things to remember every time you start to feel like you’re not good enough:

1. Nobody is perfect.
We all compare ourselves to others, and this is one of the easiest ways of feeding our insecurities.

Our minds trick us into believing that others are ‘perfect’ or ‘have it all’ and thus jealousy is born. But in reality, those people are far from perfect.

Everyone has assets and everyone has flaws. I can assure you that the people who seem to have everything do not – they have insecurities and challenges of their own.

Low self-esteem often brings feelings of inadequacy and not being ‘good enough’ to go out with desirable men. There is always the sense that a guy will like someone else who is ‘better’ than you.

You hold yourself back from going on dates or meeting men because you’re sure you’ll suffer rejection.

But I can tell you right now that there is no ‘dream woman’ that every man would be attracted to. Just as you have your own unique taste in men, guys have their own unique tastes in women.

And for some men, you ARE their dream woman.

2. Your thoughts often don’t reflect reality.
Our minds can be convincing liars. And when you’re in a negative mindset, it’s all too easy to believe any limiting or discouraging thoughts which go through your mind. E.g. “I’m so fat” or He’d never like me”.

Low self-esteem allows your mind to filter your life experiences through a negative lens, so you take in the negatives but not the positives.

And believe it or not, there are a LOT of positives which you are missing out on!

Your thoughts are not always the truth – they are merely your interpretation of the world. You should not believe everything you think.

However, your thoughts do shape YOUR reality. And therefore, if you are thinking negatively, your life will become more negative. And if you are thinking positively, your life will become more positive.

So rather than giving power to your negative thoughts, start to give power only to those which are POSITIVE and ENCOURAGING.

3. You can’t read minds.
When we don’t know what someone is thinking, or what they think of us, we can often try to ‘read their mind’.

But the problem with this is that when we are feeling insecure, we often assume that people are thinking negatively about us when this is actually far from the truth.

This process of trying to guess what someone is thinking, especially in relation to a guy you like, can quickly lead to increases feelings of insecurity and stress. For instance, “He wants to break up with me”.

What you need to remember in this situation is that you can’t actually read minds.

So instead of wondering what is going on in someone’s head, take what they say literally and don’t assume that they mean something else or that they are harboring ill-feelings.

You only have your thoughts; no one else’s.

4. Your future relationships are not your past relationships.
In the past, you may have had the painful experience of being in a relationship with a man who was abusive, dishonest or rejecting towards you.

Although you are thankfully now out of that relationship, the scars which were created during this time may still sting.

This can cause you to respond defensively to any other guy who tries to get close to you – even if he has been nothing but kind and supportive.

Have you ever been in the position where you have passed an unfair judgment on a man because he reminded you of an ex-partner who treated you badly?

Unfortunately, when you are in this defensive mindset, you have no chance of allowing someone good to enter your life.

Right now, you need to remind yourself of this fact: my future relationships are not my past relationships.

So stop judging potential dates on the shortcomings of ex-partners and allow yourself to move forward.

5. You deserve to be loved.
When you’re feeling insecure, you can struggle to understand what people see in you and tend to brush off any compliments or admiration you receive.

You don’t feel that you deserve the love and attention of others, and therefore you don’t accept any love which is given.

But I’m telling you right now that you DO deserve to be loved. And when you are in a state of shame, anxiety, or depression, you actually need love the most.

You have the ability to give the amazing gift of love to others, and you deserve to receive this gift in return.

6. You need to love yourself before anyone else can.
Until you love yourself, you will not allow anyone in close enough to be able to truly love you. You will sabotage your own relationships with others.

One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the attempt to achieve ‘perfection’.

We strive for perfection and when we fall short, we feel worthless. But what we don’t recognize is that perfection itself is impossible!

Instead of focusing on being ‘perfect’, try to focus instead on making yourself the best that YOU can be.

Telling yourself that you are not good enough or that you should be doing better will not help you. What will help you is learning to love yourself UNCONDITIONALLY.

Rather than waiting until you have reached a certain goal or image, you need to start loving yourself TODAY. Right now, exactly as you are.

You may have personal goals and want to make some changes to your lifestyle, but this does not mean you can’t love yourself as you currently are.

Once you have accepted and embraced where you’re at, you will have renewed energy to move forward and progress.

You are enough just as you are. Focus on acknowledging and celebrating your progress towards your goals, rather than just the end result.

Once you have found love, joy and acceptance WITHIN yourself, you will realize that the purpose of relationships is not to provide this for you.

Instead, loving relationships will ADD value and meaning to your already rich and rewarding life.

Brooke Ryan
Author,
www.MeetYourSweet.com

19 Comment/s

19 Comments to '6 Things To Remember When You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough'

Prettyroses.

Wow! What a wonderful piece of advice. I sure wil do my best to improve my self esteem. Thank u!

Lynn

Do you think a man can be guilty of doing these things as well? Things like putting up a wall not letting someone in even though he desperately need to let them in? Do you think a man feels bad about himself? I am just wondering because of someone I know.

Chinweike Odimegwu

What an inspirational guide! May God richly bless you.

Jan

When ur own mommy and daddy didn’t
Love me, how can I ?

Karmen J

Thank you. Such an eye opener. I can’t count the many times I was a mind reader, and just knew what was on a persons mind. I will look more into me instead of thinking what others are thinking of me. My self esteem will rise. for I will focus on having a more positive attitude about me.

Jo Gibson

I agree self esteem can be an issue and can be responsible for also attracting the wrong guys into your life as well, and thankfully I was able to work through these issues with getting counselling and overcoming this by learning some useful insights and reaching a place whereby I valued myself and had a high regard towards myself. However I would like some tips as to what you can do to help you overcome a circumstantial event such as your health. I was diagnosed with an auto immune disease that basically there is no cure for and destroys the joints and can sometimes leave you in much pain and barely able to physically function on some days. How do you remain positive and upbeat during these episodes and the emotional roller coaster array of emotions it also brings with it as well as many different challenges it brings that most of us ordinarily take for granted. I am all for being a positive person and someone with a sense of humour and being able to have a laugh and be funny, yet this can be very hard to sustain at times especially when suffering like this and my also worrying about whether this will put any prospective partners off and has also impacted on my self esteem. Any tips will be much appreciated. It has also affected my ability to be as independent as I once was any my having to sometimes rely on others without much control or say in the matter and I find this so demoralising at times and my self esteem has taken a battering as a consequence.

Lola

Hi Jo, just wanted to respond to your comment. I’m a holistic nutrition therapist. Anyone who tells you that there is no cure for a condition is coming from a limited worldview regarding health and healing. I highly recommend you read the book “The Biology of Belief” by Bruce Lipton. Having a diagnosis for a condition that we are suffering from can be helpful in terms of giving us direction to seek the right kinds of help for it, but we can also get stuck in letting the diagnosis define and limit us. You are always bigger than any so-called “disease”. The self-esteem and self-love piece is big for you here because on a metaphorical level, when we are experiencing some form of autoimmune condition, we have been, on some level, attacking ourselves for some time. So instead of worrying about how this might affect your relationship possibilities with men, maybe start by examining and working on healing your relationship with you. I understand this as I have struggled with my relationship to self-love vs perfectionism for a lot of my life. It may never completely go away, but I have healed a lot emotionally/mentally/spiritually and correspondingly physically in my relationship to myself (which, btw, has translated into waaayyy better relationships with men!). I fully trust and believe that you can too. Also check out some of the work by Louise Hay, “Heal your Body” is a good one. Good luck dear.

Lola

Ps. I also think it’s important not to cover up your pain, but to be honest about it without needing anyone else (aka a man in your life)to make it better for you. Doesn’t sound like that’s where your concern lies exactly, but I thought the reminder might be helpful. A man who loves you will love you for who you are and your bravery in how you face the situation, not because you are able to maintain a cheerful facade through it. And needing help from others in a physical sense is totally different than being emotionally needy. I think any man worth a salt would be able to tell the difference. So be brave, continue to work on your own healing, and be honest with the men that you meet, just keeping straight that you are the only one who can directly address this issue. No one else can take it on for you. Investigate nutritional healing and detoxification too-they go hand in hand with the emotional work that you’ve already been doing. Blessings

Leila

Thanks for your great article. I think I must have had a lot of self esteem issues growing up and as an adult, but have improved it more recently through making a directed effort. Suddenly, my self esteem doesn’t seem as high as it was – in fact it feels a bit low. The thing is – I don’t know why. If I knew why I could do something about it. Have you any tips for finding out why you might suddenly feel low self esteem, when you usually don’t? (It feels as though my feelings would be easily hurt)

Teren

Learn to love yourself unconditionally and as you are today” is a line that gave me joy. Actually made me smile and tell myself that’ll be my watch word cos am the type of person that abides by strict rules,principles and if a goal isn’t achieved,I get very depressed that I’d need someone’s approval to move forward…
Thanks a lot for this piece, your articles has always been educative!

Carol Bea

When I act with confidence (NOT conceit but self assurance), the men I know seem to hate that. They try super hard to prove that they are geniuses, or treat me really bad and then tell me I am not normal, or I am sick. What kind of man has society produced?

BTW “Meet Your Sweet”, this is a good blog, but I can only view three quarters of the text on my screen. No matter what I zoom it to, the right side does not show up on my screen. Can you please re-send? Thanks, Carol

Lorna (LaLa)

I absolutely relate to these comments made by Jo and Lola. I have suffered with ME and Fibromyalgia for many years, but I know that when I am feeling low and insecure and unloveable and stressed by anything, my symptoms get much, much worse – instantly. My divorce took such a lot out of me. It’s certainly not easy to control your thoughts and your feelings, but that is what we have to do – I read excellent books recently by Richard Carlson “Stop thinking Start living” and “Dont sweat the Small Stuff” – wonderful therapy!! I am certain, Jo, that your battered self esteem will be having a huge impact on your health. Mend that, and you will see a big improvement. Remember that Lola and LaLa love you, are sending out loving thoughts and we wish you well and nothing but the very best for the future, and I am sure there are many, many more people who do, too – you sound like such a lovely person. But most of all, Darling, remember to love yourself!! I have a doll I take to bed (LaLa from TellyTubies) which is my “inner child”, and when I need HER to be loved, I cuddle LaLa and tell her it is all OK, and that makes Lorna feel better – it works, believe me (as recommended by Paul McKenna, who also writes excellent books). Try it! Get yourself an “inner child” to love – we all have one. And isn’t it wonderful that we can all share our thoughts and experiences this way, and send out our love across the waves – such good therapy – we are all in this together. Love to you all. Lorna (LaLa)

Lorna (LaLa)

Dearest Jan,
Please read the comments I made to Jo and Lola. Give your “inner child” all the love she needs. Read the Paul McKenna book “I can make you happy”. Books by Louise Hay are also excellent (Lola and I should get commission!!) Get yourself a doll or teddy bear that represents your “inner child” (we all have one), and cuddle and love IT, tell her it is all OK now – it does help and brings tremendous comfort. There were reasons why your mommy and daddy appeared not to love you, I am sure, and if you try to understand those reasons, and try to eventually forgive them, it will also help you get release from your torment. What happened in the past must not stop you from loving YOURSELF. Try to rise above all that – you MUST convince yourself that you are loveable – of course you are – why would you not be? Just because someone said it or intimated it? You do not have to BELIEVE them. Believe in yourself. Keep reminding yourself. You can do it and you will get there. Sending you love and hugs from LaLa. xxx

Laurette LaLiberte

Recently, the man I’ve been involved with for 6 years dumped me for a former student of his, who is 19 now. He is ‘confused’ and was still seeing me behind her back (after more than a year of this, I finally cut him off completely).

This coincided with my becoming a grandmother for the first time (he dumped two days after sitting up all night waiting with me for the birth of my granddaughter), my 50th birthday (he is 6 years younger than me), and the death of his father, which hit him very hard. All of these events came within weeks of ewach other. I know that I am awesome, and I actually look younger than him, but it’s still difficult not to take this personally or let it hit me straight in the self-esteem.

The problem is, I still love him. Part of me wants to move on; the other part wants to be patient until he comes to his senses. Five years ago, I gave up my job and sold everything I own to move overseas for this guy. I am financially independent, and have only had one other real relationship before in my life; I’ve never liked to be ‘tied down.’ Other than a bad marriage, this is the first man I’ve ever met that I WANT to be close to. I feel lost.

Cloe

This is so timely… Going through a break-up and usually my self esteem is pretty intact, but I realized over the weekend that its in the toilet. I think I have lost my confidence and I can feel myself shutting down, building walls, retreating. So thanks for the insight.

josy

Thank you for waking m up , i like your ideas allot ,but I’m having a problem with my fiance he very jealous i can do anything than i v been sleep with another person i can get a call then is my boyfriend help me please, and by that time no tog ..


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In its place, you will feel warmth, lightness and self-confidence. You will no longer feel unable to handle any task, even asking someone on a date. You will see relationship improvement, freedom from depression, and emotional wellness. The noise of your mind will subside, your self-esteem will rise and you will be able to tackle most any task with ease. What are the causes of low self-esteem?Low self-esteem is caused by a large variety of factors. It can be snhitmeog that your parents did to you or snhitmeog as simple as a friend saying, You look like you gained a little weight. Our perception of certain events can make us feel embarrassed or unintelligent, which are some primary causes of low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem can negatively affect every aspect of their life, from work to relationships.You don’t have to be hindered by low self-esteem!There are many common approaches to deal with low self-esteem: including counseling, therapy, and positive affirmations. 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You can get therapy.Next to The Sedona Method, therapy has the highest likelihood of producing a lasting change in your self-esteem or dealing with situations that may cause a lowering of your self-esteem. Therapy alone can be a long, costly process. III. Positive AffirmationsUsing positive thinking phrases often requires a tremendous, continuous effort to remember and repeat the same positive phrases over and over again. With most people, this is just layering positive thoughts on top of the existing negative ones, which clogs your mind with a lot of unnecessary extra noise. IV. Motivation.H ave you ever gotten really pumped up by some motivational presentation only to have it wear off in hours or, at the most, days later? Motivation works only while you are being motivated. It also makes you dependent on someone or snhitmeog outside of yourself to keep you motivated. Even self-motivation only temporarily overrides the existing negative. V . Are you ready for the natural alternative—The Sedona Method?The scientifically proven Sedona Method is an elegant, easy-to-learn, do-it-yourself system that will show you how to tap your natural ability to beat low self-esteem and let go of any unwanted feelings on the spot. It can be used in life to get immediate relief of your symptoms whenever feelings of low self-esteem arise. The Sedona Method also helps you to easily break the patterns of thought and behavior that cause low self-esteem to persist. As you use your natural ability to release, you’ll create a solid, positive mental attitude that will help you succeed where others might fail, even in today’s rapidly changing economic times. How does The Sedona Method work?As you use the Method, you will find over time that the very situations and experiences that you used to find the most exhausting or disturbing will become less and less so, until you may even forget that you used to have those kinds of experiences. How else can The Sedona Method help me?The results are guaranteed! Top authors and professionals talk about the effectiveness of The Sedona MethodJoin the hundreds of thousands of people just like you who have radically changed their lives for the better with The Sedona Method. “I have enjoyed greater self-confidence and a sense of well-being as a result of participating in The Sedona Method. I am able to let everyday anxieties and stresses go and can focus better on the job and at home. The Method has allowed me to improve my relationships. Most importantly, I am now able to trust myself and my ability to handle situations. Whatever happens is OK, and I will be OK. This has resulted in a lot of freedom in my life.”

Chris

Men are arseholes standard. I’ve always been caring, helpful, loyal, consistent, etc etc. Its in. My nature and as much as I try to love myself and put me first I just don’t know hkw to???????
Or maybe now after extreme heart break I understand !loving yourself doesn’t mean being one of those bitches you hate but no longer excepting the bullshit.
Fuck them forget about other women they may or may not of fucked. I’ve spent 16years with a bloke shooting way way above his league, punching above his weight seriously.

Not that that matters honestly looks dont. Matter to me.
But now I’m being treated like a fool give my heart soul and a baby at 41 a d he fuckks off.

YVONNE

Ive just had 6 months of shit to deal with relationship break up after nearly 3 yrs,rehomed our puppy as she turned on me,exs family wedding collapsed and damaged the back of my skull which resulted in concussion in which I suffer bad heads now,and to top all that I have just lost my stepdad in a tragic house fire 9th Nov, and my mum jost her husband and is now homeless as the house is being demolished next week.
Just feel like Im sinking into a deep dark hole I suffer from depression anyway and now suffer anxiety as well I just turned 50 in December so Im single, never been engaged or married, and Im an only one no brother or sister my childhood wasnt good eithe, had to grow up from the age of 11 so lost all my reenage years,Ive had horrible thoughts too, never had a good relationship with my mum but now she relys on me 100% as she is now living with her brother she is now 75 yrs old and in ill health as she had polio at the age of 7, so feels like shes the child and im the mother.
Have no idea how to love myself as my self esteem is very low and confidence too, it seems like the more you help people and be nice Im always the one that gets hurt all the time,
my star sign is sagittarius, oh and now my workplace are saying because I have had so much time off since the 9th Nov I have to have a disciplinary when I go back feb 10th as I have just been signed off by the doctor for a month so more worry and stress for me.
My whole life is a MESS

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