Recently a guy friend of mine, Patrick*, came to me for advice. He told me that he had recently developed really strong feelings for a woman (Anna*) he’d been friends with for a long time.
Patrick said that he had always found Anna attractive, but as they had usually been involved in other relationships they had never really seen each other as more than friends.
But lately they had started to spend more time together and Patrick found himself being more and more attracted to Anna. He says he feels comfortable talking to her about anything and feels closer to her than he ever has with a girlfriend.
Patrick told me that he thinks Anna might be feeling the same way, but nothing had happened between them yet. He wanted to make a move but had no idea of how to go about it in case it backfired and ruined a good friendship.
And Patrick has a right to be wary, as losing a great friendship can be a very real consequence of going beyond the friend barrier. But on the flipside, going from friends to a relationship can also be the best thing that happens to two people.
There are many benefits to going from friends to relationship partners. First of all, you already know each other inside-out, flaws and all. You’ve probably met each other’s families and friends, so there are no surprises there.
But getting together with a friend is a fragile thing and it does involve a lot of thought beforehand. You’re wanting more than you currently have, and in order for this to happen, your friendship needs a bit of a shake-up.
Since this situation is so common, I wanted to share with you today the same advice I shared with Patrick (in a few more steps). So that if you have a friendship you’d really like to turn into something more, you have more of an idea of how to go about it.
You could try getting drunk with her and seeing what happens… but this isn’t the track I’d recommend.
Instead, it’s important to first understand your reasons for wanting to be more than friends, and then slowly but surely make the transformation from her friend to her boyfriend.
So that before she knows it, she can’t picture her life without you by her side.
*Names have been changed for privacy purposes.
First, make sure that you want to be more than friends for the right reasons.
When you’re really good friends with a girl, it’s easy to form a strong emotional attachment to her. Like Patrick, you may find you can talk to her like you’ve never been able to with any girlfriends.
So it’s no wonder that so many friends end up getting together somewhere along the line. In fact, majority of close opposite-sex friends will admit there is a bit of chemistry between them – which is natural.
But it’s important that before you make a move into this unknown territory, you make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. What has made you want to further your relationship with this woman?
Have you always had feelings for her but the situation has never been right, or has this developed out of feelings of loneliness?
When you are single and missing being in a relationship, it can be easy to mistake feelings of close friendship for romantic feelings.
Ask yourself these questions:
Could you picture you and your friend actually being together? Does it seem like the transition from friend to boyfriend and girlfriend would come naturally?
Is there genuine chemistry between you? Do you think this girl would be open to the idea of a more intimate relationship?
Do you actually want a relationship with this girl, rather than just wanting to sleep with her?
Hey, it’s natural to wonder what an attractive friend would be like in bed. But there are a lot of other girls you could sleep with – is she really the one you want?
If you’ve honestly answered “Yes” to these questions, then I can assume you are wanting to further your relationship with your friend for the right reasons.
Hopefully, this transition will only make your relationship even more amazing than it already is as friends.
How to turn your friend into your girlfriend:
1. Show yourself in a new light.
Unless your friend has already made it clear to you in some way that she is feeling the same romantic feelings you are, you need to shake things up a little in your friendship in order stop being viewed as a ‘friend’ and start being viewed as ‘boyfriend material’.
Sometimes the way to go in this situation is actually to show a little less interest in your friend for a while. If she truly appreciates you, then your absence will make her miss you and desire your company.
Sometimes it can be hard to tell if a woman’s feelings for you are just friendly, or are more than this. Because as your friend, she may be quite affectionate, and even a little flirty towards you. But this doesn’t necessarily mean she sees you in sexual terms.
To find out, you may need to take a step back and let her miss you. If you’re always doing things for her and giving her your undivided attention, she may have grown comfortable with the way things are between you. When you are no longer around as much, she will most likely feel the loss and put more effort into spending time with you again.
If you find that you’re always bending over backwards for her, try asking her to do something for you. Contrary to popular belief, people like you more when THEY do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them. The more they put in the relationship, the more you will mean to them.
So, stop doing favors for her all the time… and start asking for them. She may be happy to accept whatever YOU do for her, but is she equally as willing to do things for you? This will give you a good indication of whether she truly values you.
Competition and a little jealousy can also be a good thing at this stage. This doesn’t mean getting with other girls, but it does mean showing her that you’re a guy who other women are interested in. People value more what they think they might lose. If you have the attention of any other women, this might amp up her desire for you.
2. Show her the boyfriend you could be.
Once you have given your friendship a bit of a shake-up through the steps above, you can come back and show her the amazing boyfriend you could be. In the position you are in as a good friend, you can start acting LIKE her boyfriend, without her even really noticing the change.
Start finding ways to hang out with her more and do fun things together. Show that you know her better than anyone else, by remembering all of the little things she likes and dislikes. For example, the fact that she likes her pizza with mushrooms but no olives. This would make any girl feel special.
Don’t try to be too sexy or seductive at this stage – just be an attractive, fun guy to be around (otherwise she may get freaked out). The more sensual side of your relationship can come later – at the moment it is still about gradually building closeness.
Make it fun, relaxed and flirty, so she always feels comfortable in your presence. For instance, send her a text later on telling her you are still laughing about something funny that happened earlier than day during your time together. As well as lightening the mood, this will subtly let her know you’re still thinking about her.
Find ways to accompany her to events you would attend with her if you were her boyfriend. For example, if she plays a sport, go and watch one of her games.
Always, always, always be caring and considerate towards her, and show her that you can be relied upon to be there in the good times and the bad.
Trusting someone completely is a key component of building intimacy. Once she has learned to fully trust and rely on you, she is well on her way to falling in love. By this stage, you are leagues in front of the other guys out there.
3. Give the ‘friend’ barrier a push in the right direction.
Now’s the time to start being a little more obvious about your more-than-friend feelings for her. This involves being a little more flirtatious, moving beyond the touch barrier and adding a hint of romance.
During this stage, you should get a pretty clear idea of whether or not she is interested by the signals she sends you. Always gauge how she’s feeling through her body language, move slowly, and stop IMMEDIATELY if she shows she is not enjoying something.
In terms of moving beyond the touch barrier, never do anything inappropriate or weird, and only get close to her when it feels natural. For instance, offering a hand if she needs it (such as when you’re moving through a crowd), giving her a light push on the shoulder when you’re teasing each other, or lightly brushing against her arm when you’re sitting next to each other.
Whenever this happens, does she jump back away from you, like she’s just placed her hand on a hot stove, or does she let the touch linger for a second and give you an encouraging smile?
If she maintains contact, is smiling, laughing and having a good time when you casually touch, she is welcoming your plan to go beyond the line of ‘friends’. However, if she finds it weird and pulls away, then back off – this is a sign she’s not comfortable with more-than-friends.
As well as finding appropriate opportunities to touch, you can also amp up the flirting and atmosphere of romance. When you make eye contact, hold her gaze for longer than usual and smile. The eyes are the key to unlocking passion and intimacy.
Start complimenting her more often on how great she looks, or how much you admire something she does. Do things for her without being asked, and show up with the odd unexpected surprise sometimes, such as the chocolate she loves.
For more information, read How to become a master of romance (just don’t go too overboard at this stage).
4. Make your move.
If, by this stage, the air between you and your friend is sizzling with sexual chemistry and everything just feels right, it’s time to go ahead and make your move.
There are two main ways you can go about this. If the timing feels right, you could try telling her honestly how you feel. Although this can be hard to do, having an honest conversation is the clearest way to express your feelings and find out hers.
Women are usually highly receptive to having open and honest conversations, and even if turn out she doesn’t return your affections, she will most likely be exceptionally flattered by the fact that you like her.
However, if she does feel the same way, this is the perfect opportunity for both of you to talk through how you’d like your relationship to progress from here. And of course, if it feels right, this is definitely the moment to go in for the kiss.
If you’re not keen on telling her explicitly how you feel, instead look for a good opportunity to ask her out on a casual date. It should be in a public place to begin with in order to avoid the pressure and possible awkwardness of getting too full-on too soon (i.e. no candlelit dinners!).
Perhaps there is a concert coming up you both want to go to, or a comedy night. Or maybe there’s a new café you’d like to check out. Ask her if she would like to go with you, and try to make it clear that you are asking her out on a date, rather than as friends.
For example,
“Hey, would you like to go with me to that comedy show on Saturday night? We could get a drink at the theatre bar beforehand.”
Make sure you make eye contact as you are asking this, so you can gauge her reaction.
If she smiles and agrees, this is a great sign. Be sure to continue with a follow-up and give her that smile to let her know that this is the real thing:
“Cool, shall I pick you up at 8?”
If she misinterprets what you are asking, however, and suggests that others should come along as well, bite the bullet and make it absolutely clear that you are intending it to be a date.
E.g. “I was actually thinking it would be nice if just you and I could go together”.
From this, she should understand your true meaning. If she agrees, you will probably feel a shift in the dynamics between you. All you have left to do is have an amazing time on your date, keep up everything you’ve been doing and let the rest come naturally.
If on the off chance she says no to the idea of a date, agree to just be friends and leave it at that. You’ve tried everything, and if she still just wants to be friends then you’re better off licking your wounds and trying to regain a great friendship.
Some of the best relationships grow out of friendships and if you’re lucky enough to experience this, you may just find it lasts a lifetime.
Brooke Ryan
Author,
MeetYourSweet.com