Nothing’s worse than being pegged as a nice guy. You know, dependable. Always around to lend a hand. Designated driver. The kind of guy that girls call when they want someone to tell their troubles to. Sort of like the “gay” friend: nonthreatening and nonsexual.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a good guy. I don’t come from the school that says you have to be a jerk to women to get them interested. It’s OKAY to have morals and values that you believe in. It’s OKAY to treat women right.
But the problem with most nice guys is this:
They were brought up to be “people-pleasers.”
I can’t get over the number of guys who still think that the way to get a girl is to do things that please them. Girls don’t “date” guys that “please” them; they USE them.
Doing things because you know it will make a girl happy is fine ONCE you’re in a relationship – in fact, it’s one of the foundations of relationships – but not before.
It can be really hard to break the habit of being a nice guy, especially if you were brought up to always place other people before yourself. That’s why, in this newsletter, I attack three common reasons guys get pegged as “too nice.”
TIP #1. STOP BEING A “PEOPLE-PLEASER.”
Stop this moment and have a think about the last three significant decisions you made in your life. Got them? Okay, now I want you to tell me honestly:
* Did other people’s opinions play any factor in why you made the decision you did?
* Can you quantify the influence of those people’s opinions – e.g. was 15% of the reason you made the decision, 1%, or 90%?
If you claimed that other people’s opinions played NO role whatsoever in the last three significant decisions you’ve made in your life, then you’re deluding yourself.
The process of making good decisions necessarily involves seeking other people’s input and advice. You’d be a fool NOT to take other people’s opinions into account.
But all of us can tell the difference between doing something to PLEASE someone else … and doing it because they made a valid point.
There’s a HUGE difference between doing things to please people, and doing things because they make sense to you or reflect your values and morals.
If other people’s opinions continually form the basis on which you make your decisions, then you need to make a mental shift from looking OUTSIDE for validation, and start looking inside.
If you’re genuinely living life by your principles, then there are going to be times when you’ll hurt or offend people. That’s just life. We can’t please everyone all of the time, and we shouldn’t try. (Tell that to the politicians.)
Now, there are going to be situations where you don’t really care about something one way or the other, so it makes sense to let someone else’s opinion guide your decision. That’s OKAY. The opposite of a “people-pleaser” isn’t a “jerk” – it’s a man of INTEGRITY. A man of integrity isn’t compromised by going with someone else’s wishes when it really doesn’t matter to him one way or the other.
TIP #2. STOP BEING A “SAVIOR”
I know so many guys who find their greatest satisfaction in serving others. Even if they aren’t aware of it themselves, you can tell that they’re happiest when they’re helping someone else. Nothing makes them feel better about themselves than being the reason for someone else’s smile.
Now, it’s GREAT to be the kind of guy who gets a kick from helping others. Being of service makes us feel connected to a greater community, like our lives have a larger purpose.
But there are times when the only reason we’re helping people is so that we can feel better about ourselves.
Take guys who help out women as an example. Some guys seem themselves as the “rescuer” type. They attract “homeless waifs” or seriously messed up chicks who need treatment more than another “friend.” These guys see themselves as the knight on the white horse who’s going to ride in and “save” her.
It’s a compelling fantasy, but it’s also just that – a FANTASY. If you try to “save” a woman – if you try to be the one person she can count on when she needs a shoulder to cry on – then what you’ve done is create a CO-DEPENDENT relationship based on NEED.
Sure, it’s not a bad strategy. Women fall in love with their “rescuers” all the time. But if you only feel good about yourself when you’ve made others feel good, then it’s time for you to stop rescuing others and start putting all that goodwill to work on YOURSELF.
TIP #3. JUST SAY NO.
I know a friend who’s always struggled with his weight. He starts eating right, then he’s at someone’s house and offered a beer and chips, and then his resolutions go right out the window. He just CAN’T say no to free food.
A lot of guys are like that with women. They just can’t say no. If a woman displays any interest in them, then they are willing to give it a go … until they find themselves trapped in a relationship they didn’t even want in the first place.
Don’t automatically take everything that’s offered to you. Being open and flexible are great traits, but knowing your own mind and being choosy are also incredibly important.
Unfortunately, we get trapped in a lot of situations because we accept something that implies an obligation. Think about how marketing works: they give you a “taste” of a new product in hopes of hooking you on it. They know that if you like it, they’ve got a customer for life.
Similarly, some women will promise you that they’re okay with hooking up and not committing any further. You’ll be amazed at your luck and think, at last, a woman who can enjoy things without pressuring you to have a relationship!
But, like most “free” things, this one really comes with conditions. She’s hooking up with you now in hopes that, like a teaser, you’ll get hooked on being with her and want the “real” thing – i.e. a relationship – later.
So if someone’s offering you something for “free,” with no conditions attached, don’t reach out and take it just because it didn’t cost you anything. Think about whether or not you’d still want it if it wasn’t free. If you wouldn’t have it if you had to work for it, then JUST SAY NO.
That’s all from me, feel free to share your thoughts!