Relationship break ups are a part of life. Chances are, you’ve gone through at least one of these in your time.
But here’s where things can get messy: what kind of relationship can you have with your ex following a break up? Is it okay to be ‘friends’? Or does the tie need to be cut completely?
Being friends with your ex may seem like the best option, but in reality, this may be doing more harm for you than good – especially if you are trying to meet someone new.
Here’s why:
1. One of you may be holding on to hope
Break-ups are hardly ever completely mutual. Usually, there is one person who does the heartbreaking and one who gets dumped.
The promise to be ‘friends’ usually comes about because it allows the person doing the breaking up to feel like less of a bad guy – rather than severing the connection completely.
However, although the offer of friendship may be done with the best intentions, often this actually makes it harder for the person being dumped.
If you’re the heartbreaker, offering your ex the chance to be friends when she still has feelings for you will allow her to keep hoping that there may be a chance of getting back together.
She will be constantly reminded of your time together whenever you make contact, which could make her period of grief extend out for weeks or months longer than what it would if she had the chance to just move on.
And if you were the one who was dumped, you may also keep holding on to hope of getting back together every time to see or hear from your ex.
You need separation from each other in order to be able to grieve and move forwards with your life. Remember, it’s not your job to see your ex through the breakup.
2. There may be some sparks left in the fire
No matter how things ended with your ex, chances are there is still some chemistry there.
And seeing each other after you have broken up may only bring this up again and tempt you to go back to what has essentially died.
Rather than making it easier, having ‘break-up sex’ with your ex will only bring you right back to how you felt right after the breakup. Which brings us to our next point:
3. You can’t move on if you still have one foot in the past
Having your ex lingering in your life is a constant reminder of the past, which makes it hard to move on with your life, meet new people, and make a fresh start.
Whether you were the heartbreaker or person being dumped, it is important to understand your motives for wanting to be friends with your ex.
You could be resisting letting go of the relationship because you still have hopes of getting back together, or are afraid of being alone.
Until you make the break, you aren’t going to be able to fully move forward with your life.
4. You may be hindering chances with a new partner
Having your ex’s presence in your life is like a roadblock to finding new love – a warning sign hovering over your head that tells potential new partners to ‘back away: baggage included’.
And when you DO manage find a new woman you really like, you need to be fair to her and give your relationship the best possible chance. Because how can you fully focus on letting her into your life when part of you is still stuck in limbo with your ex?
Respect the fact that your new partner might feel uncomfortable if you are continuing to maintain a relationship with your ex, and this could hinder the chances of a great thing working out.
The more a girl feels like she is being compared to your ex, the more likely she is to bail.
5. You’ve seen your ex naked
How many of your female friends have you had sex with? My guess is not many, if any at all. As hard as it is to accept, it’s difficult to backtrack a relationship after you’ve been ‘all the way’ with someone.
Unless you and your ex were really close friends before you got together, you probably don’t even know HOW to be their friend. Your relationship was never even in the same plane as ‘friends’.
You will always have an image of her naked, and all the intimate details of your experiences in the bedroom. Once you have been to that level of intimacy, taking things back a few notches just feels awkward.
Friends is not something you can simply ‘go back to’, it is something new you’d have to learn to be altogether. And don’t you both have enough friends already, who don’t come with all the emotional baggage?
You will always have memories of the times you shared with your ex, but you’re better off leaving things feeling like people who had a connection, rather than trying to force ‘friendship’ and ending up feeling like strangers.
6. You suffer the pain of jealousy and competition
The reality is that no matter how much your feelings may have faded, you and your ex are still going to struggle with the idea of each other being with someone else.
When your ex starts seeing someone, there can be a feeling of someone ‘taking your place’, and it’s hard not to feel a little jealous and resentful, even if you were the one who did the breaking up.
You don’t want the new man by her side to be able to live up to you, or make her as happy as you once did.
As your ex is likely to be having these same feelings at the thought of you finding someone new, it can start feeling like a competition as to who can find a new partner first, or who is the most happy in their new relationship.
The thing is, some topics are simply going to be too sensitive to talk about with your ex, even if you do meet up for a coffee. Especially when it comes to your love lives.
And even if you feel you can talk to your ex about any new women in your life, be wary that she might not receive it as well as you’d hoped.
No matter how much you are trying to be friends, there are still likely to be some hard feelings between you, including bitterness, resentment, and regret.
Your ex may even directly or indirectly try to sabotage your relationship with a new girlfriend (believe me, I’ve seen this happen before).
This is where a continued relationship with your ex just doesn’t meet the definition of ‘friendship’. While a friend is usually someone who is supportive of you dating people, and can talk comfortably with you about your love life, your ex just isn’t going to be that person.
Be honest to yourselves – unless it is a long time down the track, and you’re both happy in new relationships, it’s going to be hard to be sincerely happy for one another.
How to prevent your ex from holding you back:
There are some situations where it may be appropriate (and even preferable) to remain friends with your ex after you have broken up.
The most important of these being when you have children together, or when you have another really close tie to each other outside of the relationship (a mutual friend group or interest).
But even in these situations where remaining friends with your ex is the best option, it is important to give each other a bit of space following the break-up.
You still need time to grieve, reflect and experience being on your own, without the comfort of constant connection with your ex. This means resisting the urge to text or call simply to catch up, unless it of course regards children or something else that is really important.
If your ex is still trying to rely on you for emotional support, and rings you all the time to catch up, then she has not truly moved on. In this case, you need to either let her know that this is not appropriate and ask her to stop, or consider cutting ties completely.
If you are going to remain friends, it is important to be honest and respect each other, especially when it comes to seeing new people.
It is often better just to be open with your ex when you start dating someone new, rather than leaving her not knowing. This way, she doesn’t have to experience the shock of finding out through someone else or seeing you together at an event.
But to also means being honest with any current partners and taking their feelings into account, rather than sneaking around meeting up with your ex behind their back because you don’t want them to feel hurt by the continued relationship.
As soon as your ‘friendship’ with your ex starts compromising your relationship with a current partner (bar when children are involved of course), it is time to ask yourself the question of whether you are really prepared to lose your new partner in order to remain friends with your ex.
Your ex needs to face the reality that any new partner of yours is going to be more important to you than her, and if she can’t accept this, then she is going to lose you as a friend.
Brooke Ryan
Author
MeetYourSweet.com